If the title of the post doesn’t make any sense, please don’t blame us. We are also trying to connect the dots. Since we started the “2012 Rewind” series on the blog, we have been getting many guest posts on our blog mail id. This one comes from an anonymous account. And the writer wanted the same title for the post. If you are not familiar with allah duhayee hai, click here. So over to Mister Anonymous and his A,B,Cs of the year. or should we call him good ol’ Mr Screeny (here & here)?
(PS – It also includes a very embarrassing mention of the blog. Spare us. Had no choice, so letting it go.)
A – Agneepath – Cry cry cry itna cry karte kai ko hum. I expected to see a power packed revenge drama but got Hrithik’s cheeks shaking in slo-mo in bargain and Sonu Nigam’s melodramatic & painful song (Ab mujhe). Agneepath turned out to be Pursuit of Happyness masquerading as 300! But good to see Brijendra Kala and Pankaj Tripathi in meaty roles.
B -Barfi – Original or not, loved how they made the film such a meandering one. Quite an achievement to make the movie go all over the place and yet hold its own. And what visuals (though I believe the DoP was ‘instructed’ to reciprocate the referencing). And can all those people stop praising PC ? As Raja Sen says, she shouldn’t have played it full retard (ala Tropic Thunder)
C – Chaalis Chaurasi – No Sir. It is not good to make fun of Blueberry Hunt when you act in movies like 4084. Loved you smoking the pot in ZNMD, sleepwalking in Dirty Picture and even the marathi lines in Deool but sir why why why? Why 4084? And though you may be offended by me being offended at your selections, but sir, with humble hands folded, I concede “ANYBODY I CARE ABOUT IS MY BUSINESS!!!”
D – 3D wala D, Dheele वाला D. Disaster वाला plot, Dazzling visuals वाला Life of Pi. Dubbing वाला D. Shobhna ही ले लेते? या फिर Tabu से मद्रासी बुला लेते जैसे Kandukondein & Iruvar में किया. And Dhakkan वाला इरफ़ान who claims he is in the 1000 Crore league. Cummon Yaar. Even Naseerudin Shah never took the ‘League’ of Extraordinary Gentlemen seriously. But Richard Parker ने definitely नय्या पार करा दी sir.
E – Editing. Did Aarti Bajaj (aided by the Background Score) save Pan Singh Tomar? Only those who had seen the early cut which premiered in 2010 would tell.
And another ‘Yeah’ for Namrata Rao for having edited Kahaani & Shanghai (one of my personal favs). I’m tempted to see Jab Tak Hai Jaan purely for her. No doughnut (but lots of dough) this year for Deepa Bhatia who edited SOTY.
P.S – Also Akiv Ali for Barfi. Now if only I can lay my hands on the script of the film.
F – फर्जी Morality, फ्रॉड फंडे – FUCK YOU Censor Board for screwing up my movie watching experience with the Family Friendly Disclaimer “Ciggarette Smoking is Injurious to Health” in English & Hindi, everytime a character smokes on screen. Fuck you! You might as well, like William H Macy does in Thank You For Smoking, go ahead and ‘tastefully update’ history by putting a Disclaimer like “अनचाही संतान प्राप्ति से बचने के लिए, कृपया संभोग के समय, निरोध का प्रयोग करें” in the jaw droppingly gorgeous Roop Tera Mastana Song from Aaradhna. Hippo-Cracy की औलादें साले !
G – घोटाला (Dilliwai bhasha) or घोची (Bambaiyya) or what the hell happened (Universal). Why is Balki grating us with his irritating pun-figure-of-speech lyrics (Manhattan from Engish-Vinglish) in an otherwise Gauri Shinde film (which even has a marathi equivalent of Alay Payuthe Kanna in Navrai Majhi, or may be I’m glad we’re not made to suffer another Dhol Beats wala Punju Bhangra Folk song for that ocassion)? Why did Homi Adjania (ahhh Being Cyrus) make the infinitely regressive Cocktail? What gun did the industry to point to the takla sir of the very talented Naveen Kaushik (Rocket Singh) and force him to do what he did in KLPD & Ferari ki Sewari? Why does Naaser need to do a Rowdy Rathore (Pritam Pyare mein baincho kar kya raha hai woh? Aur kyun? What happened to Kabeer Kaushik (this time none of the Deols or Warsis were interfering were they?)? When will iRock Sid Jain stop uploading random photos and actually produce his 2nd film (with due payments to the crew) and actually ROCK a Shaadi ? Why did Sanjay Khanduri remake Ek Chalis and set it in Dilli (‘Balaatkar karwayengi‘ Jaats in Tempo seems so ridiculously relevant now in wake of the Dilli Gang Rape)? And of course, what happened with Agent Vinod?
H – HaggaBai Halla machaye re – Loud maharashtrians who went Wakda (and as apna भाऊ invokeanand says, he has never heard the term in his entire marathi middle class life), there is something curiously wrong with Aiyya. Subtlety out of the window as a lavani would do away with sharam-o-haya. Kai chaleel? Tula mahatiyi hai ka? Or did you too like us went dreamam wakeupum? Agar batti ukhaadni thi toh Sai Paranjpe ki tarah ukhaadthey Bhau….Bhandarkar kyun ghola beech beech mein ? Raat ki Raani ki Gandha subah morning shift pe ‘differences’ le ke aati hai kya set pe?
I – इंकलाब. Independent Cinema. PVR Director’s Rare? A good initiative but 250 bucks for The Last Act at PVR Juhu (Reduced prices)? And wow Shahid, Ship of Theusus, Miss Lovely, Peddlers, and the released ones like Love Wrinkle Free, Supermen of Malegaon, Kshay.
बस यारों इन्तेजाम ऐसा हो की Inzamam-Style रिलीस हो बडे परदे पर. Ignoble या Ignorable तरीके से नही. कहीं ये इल्जाम ना लगे audience पे की इंक़लाब शुरू होने से पेहले Single Screen भाई लोगो ने उसे indoctrinate कर दिया है.
P.S – Dear director of the awesome looking Mizo film Khawnglung run. Can you please provide English subtitles for your film (Which is already uploaded on youtube by the way).
J – Joker. How we missed him when we saw Bane in TDKR. TDKR was even more disappointing than the existential heist Inception. Probably for the first time, I didn’t want to see a Nolan film again. Although Skyfall made up for it to quite an extent with a (Bisexual?) Bardem. The rat story goes up there right there with the Jokers’s ‘Scars’ one. और साला क्या single shot intro है. If the father was a “drinker & a fiend” then, “Mommy was not good” in this one.
K – Kamal Swaroop‘s FB status. Even though it might take me a lifetime to appreciate his much ‘cultified’ Om Dar Ba Dar, the man’s FB statuses are legendary. And of course he shares some of the most mindfuck photos/articles you could find.
“ftii cinema began with bonga.met kudan today”
“if you are bad at every thing,.join films”
“The best firecrackers are always sold by people with 3 fingers.”
Kamal’s conversation with a certain Mr X filmmaker -
“Mr X. Aap 7 janmon mein film nahi bana sakte hain”
Reply from Mr X – “Agar aap filmmaker hain toh main filmmaker banna bhi nahi chahta hoon”
And because he is on FB & not twitter, you must be-Friend him even if you don’t follow him (Oh God!)
L - Lingo, लेहजा, लिबास. Ishaqzaade’s ‘Musalli”, Kahaani’s ‘daknaam’, Vicky Donor’s Chadhdha, GoW’s ‘Kasai mohalla’ & ‘Kalkutta’, Shanghai’s handling of multiple worlds of lingo correctly and the mother of them – Pan Singh Tomar with the Chambal key ‘Mooda-Moodi’. Bhai Waah! Now if only a Vishal Bhardwaj written film had released this year as well.
M - Maniratnam. Rangan’s Book. Hands down must read. Buy now! Read now. Even if it is non controversial and tries to read too much, but Rangan gets it 70% right (the subtext). The book is littered with trivia, insights, anecdotes, and gems like this
Rangan – How come the heroes in your films never use swear words ?
Ratnam – May be I save them for real life instead
N – Another Zimply south ‘controversy of sorts’ with the Kamal first calling the producer of NAYAGAN as ‘old school‘ and later the poor man retaliating by downplaying Kamal’s contributions. And eventually an extract from Ratnam’s book with Maniratnam saying “Kamal too didn’t expect much from the film”. Full on Rashomon in Rameshwaram.
O - Obituary – (Mandatory Serious & Obligatory point) This year saw its fair share of filmy personalities passing away. Jagjit Singh, Pt Ravi Shankar, Jaspal Bhatti, Yash Chopra, Dinesh Thakur, AK Hangal, Ashok Mehta, Rajesh Khanna, Dara Singh, Mehdi Hassan, Achla Sachdeva, Raj Kanwar, Nikhat Kazmi, Anthony Gonsalves, Ravi, Joy Mukherjee and yesterday we lost Bobby Singh. RIP
P – PAKAU – Every once in a while comes a world wide acclaimed BORING PAKAU JHELU film which wows everybody everywhere. If earlier it was ‘Uncle Bonhomee Who Can’t Remember The Film Title’ or Kinatay (the one QT loved and wrote this letter for), or Adaminte-Gareeb-Mallu-Abu, then this year it is AMOUR, hands down. Though it was well recieved even by the intelligent bloggers, critics all around, I however tend to agree more with this piece. ‘VAPID’ & ‘BANAL’ are right words for this film
And if there any Amour fans around, please do pass on my message to Mr Haneke – (NOTHING HAPPENS IN THE REAL WORLD?)
Q – ‘Q-tiyapa Hai‘ guys who do all those viral videos (TheViralFever led by Arunabh Kumar). It began with one on Roadies (must watch), Guide to Bollywood Balaatkaar and later created the Gaana wala song. Also in line are The Golden Kelas and The Bollywood Ghantas (hopefully the one for 2013 is better)
R – for all the Rajesh Sharmas of the year! (Bakwaas Na Kar Titu) from Luv Shuv (Along with an inspired Vinod Nagpal & restrained Rajendir Sethi); the often under utilized Anant Jog & Pitobhash Tripathy (in Shanghai), Jahangir Khan(Irrfan’s Dadda), Ravi Bhushan Bhartiya (his bhatija), the Corrupt Cop (Rajeev Gupta – who also apparently owns a mechanics shop in Delhi apart from being a Tishu regular since Dil Se, Charas, SBG) all in Paan Singh Tomar; Gauhar Khan in Ishaqzaade; Pankaj Tripathi in Agneepath (Cilemasnob‘s new Yashpal Sharma – who is good in every bad film), the entire cast of GoW; Sheeba Chadhdha (someone cast this woman in a big role now please) & Aditi Vasudeva (unrecognizable in Talaash, stellar in Do Dooni Chaar) from Talaash; – this year boasted of some awesome ‘chhipey huey actors’ performances. And of course Bob-Nomashkaar-Ek-minute-Biswas.
P.S – the heart goes out to talented actors like Ashraf-ul-Haque who unlike the Adil Hussains, Nawaz, Irrfan have been struggling since ages but are always relegated to Sujit Kumar type roles even in ‘art house’ films. One wonders who is the next Nawaz ?
S – Sci Fi film of the year – Rian Johnson’s Looper. After the disappointing Prometheus by Ridley Scott, the Brick director (No Brothers Bloom doesn’t count) made Joseph Gordon Levitt as the younger Bruce Willis, with both men in the hunt for each other, over a span of 20 odd years. Way more inventive than Inception, it goes for a repeat viewing. I’m sure there must be a logical flaw somewhere, I just haven’t found it. Reminded me a lot of Source Code (which was pretty good though more accessible).
And as the year ends, we are treated to the trailer of Shane Carruth’s Upstream Colour. The guy who made the mind boggling Primer on a budget close to 7,000$ 12 yrs ago, is now back. Even if this one disappoints, I’m sure it won’t be disappointing! If only we made better Sci Fi films than Ra-One & Love Story 2050.
T – Did the Twist destroy Talaash? Did the audience Talaash for a Thriller but got a Drama-Horror instead? There’s been a post on this already and I’ve met my share of rabid detractors of the film who yell at the ‘Ghost’ element in it. “Horror/Thriller बना रहे हो तो Horror/Thriller ही बनाओ ना. रोते हुए पती पत्नी की boring slow paced film क्यूं? क्या मॅर मॅर के रो रो के investigate कर रहा है Aamir?”
Does that imply that -
a)(Noir?) Procedurals unlike ‘Detective’ films, are tough to please to some of us? (Remember Manorama Six Feet Under? Police Adjective, MOM ya Anatolia toh marr hi daalenge humein?)
b)Never betray your ‘pitch’. The audience won’t forgive you. OR vice versa – we don’t like being betrayed by our film experiences.
U – Ukhaad Lo Jo Ukhaadna hai! Dev Saab often said it to the critics before releasing films like Mr Prime Minister & Chargesheet. Ed Wood simply picked up and moved on from film to film. Ram Gopal Varma continues to ignore us. We’ve beaten his films, lampooned his statements, had dispirin at his vodka fuelled twitter-isms (Samples below), and even pretended we don’t care. Yet the man goes onto make films as if nothing happened. Kudos sir. And I mean it with complete honesty & sincerity. You are a living example of how to continue doing work with a ‘Ukhaad Lo‘ attitude towards detractors. I hope someday someone makes a film on you with you delivering an Aviator-ish Climax, chastising everybody in the industry. Move over Pan Singh Tomar, Milka Singh & Mary Kom, you are the role model for us.
“A common man is a common man becos he thinks commonly nd thats why he very rightfully deserves to both live and die commonly”
“Was Gandhiji a gujju?”
“I rate Karan johar far far more higher than Mehboob khan v.shantaram Rajkapor guru Dutt and Bimal Roy”
“I honestly think either the mosquito or the cockroach should be declared as the national insect”
V – Vaalgey Tamil Vaalgey (Glory to The Tamils). The DMK rhetoric apart, this year two films made in the ‘commercial’ bracket by short filmmakers who regularly uploaded their well made shorts onto youtube, and somehow cracked into the Tamil Film Industry. Kadhalil Sodhapavudu Epidi (How to mess up in Love) by M Balaji, showed his short film (can be seen here) to Siddarth, who immediately decided to act and co-produce the short into a full fledged feature. Hopefully our Hindi Film Heroes can learn a thing or two.
Pizza, a horror-thriller by Karthik Subbaraj is even more audacious in it that it doesn’t have a single ‘known face’, and was made on a low budget. I can’t remember the last good Tamil Horror film. The film is out #YouKnowWhere with English subs. Do watch these films.
W - WTF Versova. The erstwhile ‘struggler Barista’ patrons have graduated to this place, and you will find tons of filmy people hanging out here at nights. And even among the ‘established’, you will always spot the ‘struggling established’ class here – the Sudhir Mishras, Abbas Tyrewalas, RGV, the not so famous Journos, ‘Bandiyaan’, and various well to do Chief ADs (advertising waley). A Mallu Beef Fry worth dying for, and general coteries of cake-painted-faces worth strangulating, that is if you can find space to do that!
X – The ‘XX’ chromosome. Female Power – Along with the two editor’s we have Reema Katgi, Zoya Akhtar (ok, ok, ZNMD was last year but she co-wrote Talaash), Juhi Chaturvedi, Urvi Jurvekar, Sneha Khanwalkar, (no Pooja Bhatt’s Jism 2 doesn’t count), Gauri Shinde. Call me a sexist but Kya baat hai!!! Can we get more such talented women in the industry ?
Y – ये भी बिकता है. This year saw the announcement/release of tons of ‘literature’ being picked up by movies. Life Of Pi (By Pandit Ang Lee), Reluctant Fundamentalist (Fodu Namesake aur Monsoon Wedding wali Mira Nair), Midnight’s Children (I-Am-Born-To-Sell-India Deepa Mehta), Kai Po Che (if 3 Mistakes of My Life can be considered Literature that is), Oh My God (Paresh Rawal co-produces another Gujju Play into a movie after the disappointing James Hadley Chase Maharathi), and the Realistic Shanghai (from somewhat slapstick Z). Here’s Cilemasnob‘s recco to all filmmakers – The Illicit Happiness of Other People by Manu Joseph. Btw, when is that film on White Tiger coming out?
Z – And finally ZehNaseeb – A self congratulatory, mutual mastrubatory, admirational clique wala Hi-Five to moifightclub for being the coolest Desi Film Blog of the Yr !
कांटो को मुर्झाने का खौफ नही होता,
और MFC का HAT हर एक फिल्म के लिये DOFF नही होता.